The Scandinavian Subterfuge
Posted January 05, 2021
Writing from frigid Hamel, Minnesota, one of my lead analysts — Richard Vigilante — has submitted a chilling report on a new threat to American world leadership. I submit it below.
“US security officials today expressed mounting concern over continued Scandinavian dominance of the world’s telecommunications infrastructure. “The US is ceding control of the earth’s communications networks to two very small, cold countries with horrible food,” said one top national security official, who insisted on anonymity for fear of reprisal. “Their reach is enormous,” he said. “They don’t call them Finns for nothing.”
The locus of danger, say US officials, is in two multinational behemoths — Sweden’s Ericsson and Finland’s Nokia. Between them, they control more than half the market for global telecommunications infrastructure. “The people who talk about Huawei dominating the industry are whistling past the graveyard,” said another official. “That’s all we hear, Huawei, Huawei, Huawei. Yeah, well the US better pay attention to what’s happening in its own backyard. You think your network was made in America? Wake up and smell the lutefisk.”
Officials cite three major concerns over growing Scandinavian dominance in the field: Fears the Scandinavian countries will dominate the world economy, security issues, and another one.
“The US can’t fall behind in this crucial technology,” says one expert consultant. “It’s well known that whatever country builds the most cellphone antennas and network switches will completely dominate the world economy while other nations sink into poverty.”
Asked to elaborate, officials explained that most businesses use not only the telephone, but increasingly, the internet. “So that’s it right there, the Swedes and their reindeer-riding buddies are at the nexus of every transaction in the world economy. Every time you download the latest Gilder Report, it’s like ‘cha-ching” in Helsinki.
Who’s Really in Control?
COVID, which has already killed almost all Americans, while curiously affecting only a small fraction of Finns, only makes the problem more acute, said an advisor to the incoming administration. The advisor who, refused to identify himself because the President-elect could not remember his name (“it looks bad if he reads my name in the paper and thinks I’m just making stuff up”) used virus-aware analogies to make his point.
“Ok, so you’re stuck home alone with your mask and the dog. You want to order Chinese. You gonna’ do that without a phone? An internet connection? Of course not. And who controls the phones? Most Americans don’t realize that to order Chinese your call is routed through some Baltic undersea cable the Swedes supposedly laid. Like who knows it even there?”
The threat may not be obvious to most Americans today, say experts, because the Finns especially are “cagy” about letting the world see their power. The fear is that once the Scandinavians have consolidated control, “the gloves will come off” when Americans least expect it. “What happens on the day that the FCP (Finnish Communist Party) decides the world already has enough Chinese food?”
“The Finns already control the North Finnish Sea and the Fehmarn Sound Bridge, which is too small to handle one of our nuclear Aircraft Carriers. We’re at their mercy, already.”
“It would be bad enough,” declaimed Senator Cruise Missile, “if the Finns actually invented anything themselves. But this is American technology they are using. Whoever let them buy Bell Labs, a US national US treasure, should be shot for treason.”
Concerns are not restricted to the US or to purely economic matters. Perhaps even more ominous than imminent total Scandinavian dominance of the world economy — say sources close to the Irish Central Intelligence agency — is the northerners’ newfound ability to listen to all the world’s conversations at once.
“I like to use the metaphor of an igloo” commented one Irish agent after a draining a bottle of Jameson’s. “Ok, an igloo is made of ice. We can all see that. And ice, you know, looks really solid. But that’s OK, right because igloos have a front door. We can all see that too. Are ye with me now? Are ya for followin’ what I’m sayin’ here? We can all see the front door. But just ask yourself friend, wat about the back door? That’s where the funny business happens.”
Worst of all — says one Norwegian former deep cover agent who posed for years as a Lappland barber — (“they don’t come in often but they stay for a while” he said of his hirsute patrons) "is that we never know what the Finns know.”
Asked why, he sighed and said: “They have the world’s only completely secure network, it’s all in Finnish.”
Lead Analyst, Gilder's Daily Prophecy